Roar

So, the guy I'm seeing thinks I'm broken. He has to fix me, but he won't tell me how. I am aware that I have flaws, but I feel that my flaws are... I dunno, less severe than his previous girlfriends. His ex has 4 kids, smokes, and does drugs. So, quite a bit to fix there. Me? I'm scientific, methodical, and a hopeless romantic. I don't deal with people's crap, and I can't make decisions for other people, or if my decision will affect someone other than myself. I don't like people fussing over me, or paying me any attention. I feel really awkward, like there is some guy hidden, recording my reaction. Like its a joke. Like I'm a joke. I can't take compliments because of this. If someone says something nice to me, my general response is to say something rude to them. "Nice coat." "Shut up." "Your hair looks nice." "You're just saying that." It drives me crazy. I don't want to be mean, I just cannot see why someone would be bothered to, well, bother with me. Its not like I am exceptionally pretty. My primary asset is my knowledge and intelligence, and let's face it, in this day and age, it will be a rare sight to find someone where I live or work that is going to be interested in all of my nonsensical facts. I have this idea in my head, of a wonderful person that would be perfect. Smart, funny, nerdy, caring, but someone that can appreciate and relate to the academic stresses that I face. I asked R(guy I'm seeing) if he thought I should take 15 credits or 20. I was debating adding linear algebra to general chemistry 2, general biology 1, and Japanese. I decided to take 20 credits. So today, I was prepping him for the fact that I may drop off the face of the earth when things get hairy at school, as I cannot focus on too many things at once. Then he makes a crack about how I need to be prepared for him to look for another girlfriend. That is the last thing that I want. I'm so scared of pushing people away that I don't let them get close in the first place. I am always worried that my actions will drive away people, so I simply to not let things get that far. One can only be driven away if they got so far to begin with. Perhaps that is why I am mean. Perhaps that is why I don't let people in. Maybe my standards are far too high and unrealistic to obtain this mystery person. Maybe I simply like the idea of people more than actual people. The idea of my perfect person keeps me more company and comfort than I think that person would, were he to exist.

I know he exists, I have simply kept him at arms length, or perhaps continents length, so that I will not get hurt.